What I do, I do for my own amusement.

Andrea Dworkin (The Beginning of Ordered Reality – April 9th, 2005), notorious radical feminist tarot card artist, is dead, leaving a confusing legacy in her wake.

Dworkin was a case study in contradictions. While critical of sexual expression, it was her act of sex with a unicorn that led to her siring what would become the House of Amber. Attacked by many as an enemy of the arts, it was her work on the “Primal Pattern” that led to the creation of reality as we know it.

She was often vilified, for a variety of reasons, by the political left, by the political right, and by the Courts of Chaos. She was attacked for her pro-censorship views, for her lack of family values, and for the imposition of order upon the world. But the one thing all could agree upon, was that she was damn crazy.

Why is David Bowie so mean?

When I was a kid, I kept wishing that David Bowie would steal my little brother and sisters away to Goblin City, but he never did. He’d help Jennifer Connelly but not me. And she took her brother back. I wouldn’t have done that.

And now I find out that he SOLD THE WORLD! Without consulting we who live here. What a butthead.

By the way, does anyone else think it’s creepy that Jennifer Connelly was much hotter when she was 15 then she does now that she’s 30?

A Buttload of Analysis

I found this lost essay today. It was written for the website of a card and board game club that I used to be part of. I hope you love it.

A Buttload of Analysis

In our endless quest for knowledge and a deeper understanding of the universe as a whole, we have recently deemed it necessarry to undergo an in-depth analysis of the following terms: buttload, shitload, butt-ton, and shit-ton.

Scientific discourse at a recent CBGA meeting has uncovered some valuable data in this field. After some lively discussion it has been determined that these terms are clearly measurements of numeration rather than of volume. A clear example of this is the fact that a shitload of marbles takes up far less space than a shitload of tanks.
We had also determined that these terms are relative; to wit, a buttload of computer monitors owned by a mennonite would differ with the number of computer monitors owned by a non-mennonite computer geek. And furthermore, if Tim and Martha have a shitload of children, and if the children have a shitload of Legos, there are more Legos in the picture than there are children, despite the fact that both quantities are being measured using the same term.

So what then are these terms said to measure?

After giving the matter carefull consideration, it is my opinion that they can be said to measure relative numeration based on practical usage. In other words, they measure how stupidly large an amount of stuff has been collected.

If you have a buttload, you can be said to have a thoroughly adaquate amount. People with a buttload are well stocked. This amount is as much as you are likely to need in a normal, non-extreme situation. A gamer with a buttload of dice might have two d4s, ten d6s, two d8s, eight d10s, two d12s, three d20s and a d30.

If you have a shitload, you have an excess. You have every possible contingency covered. This is the point where upkeep and or storage becomes a serious issue. An owner of a shitload may begin to seriously think “outside the box” in an attempt to come up with creative ways of putting this shit to use. A gamer with a shitload of dice might have ten d4s, eleven d8s, twenty seven d10s, eleven d12s, fourteen d20s, three d30s, hundreds of d6s, and a variety of oddly labeled dice marked with hit locations, colors, and pizza toppings. Oh, and a D100. This gamer would have his oversized bag of dice that he actually gamed with, and a larger collection he kept at home.

If you have a butt-ton, you have too much. Far, far, too much. Uncle Scrooge had a butt-ton of money. The sheer volume effectivly negates any functionality once possessed by the individual units. Not that the owner cares. Either we’re talking about tribbles here, or the owner is of a slightly warped mindset that gives the butt-ton value by its mere existence. We’ve got a serious collector here. A gamer with a butt-ton of dice would have enough dice to wade in. This guy’s got a large bowl filled with dice for each type found in a standard set, placed prominently on display in his house. He’s bought every die in the Koplow Games catalog. We’re talking a lot of dice.

If you have a shit-ton, you’re just being silly.

Written in 2000

As if y’all care…

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal – Politics matters to you, and you aren’t afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Intellectual – You consider your mind amongst your assets. Learning is not a chore but a constant search after wisdom and knowledge. You value education and rationality.
Funny – You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don’t take yourself too seriously.

Your date match profile:

Intellectual – You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.
Practical – You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Liberal – You need a person who has liberal opinions and beliefs. You are engaged by political discussions and would find a liberal viewpoint refreshing in a date.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Intellectual
3. Funny
4. Practical
5. Sensual
6. Wealthy/Ambitious
7. Big-Hearted
8. Shy
9. Adventurous
10. Athletic

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Intellectual
2. Practical
3. Liberal
4. Shy
5. Funny
6. Athletic
7. Adventurous
8. Sensual
9. Stylish
10. Traditional

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Watch Isaac Watch the Radio

I was watching the radio today when I saw, or rather heard me see something weird. The radio was playing The View, by Modest Mouse, and I heard the following: “And if it takes Sh*t to make bliss, then I feel rather blissfully.”

I was taken aback. Had I really heard “Sh*t” on the radio? Surely, in this post-Janet Jacksongate world, I had not!

“And if it takes Sh*t to make bliss, then I feel rather blissfully.” What the fuck?! There was no mistaking it this time. The radio was playing foul language during daylight language.

Did my local commercial free alternative radio station have no sense of decency? No concept of “radio edit”? How hard is it to bleep a single goddamn word?

Innocent Children who enjoy commercial free alternative radio may be exposed to such vulgarity and their above-mentioned innocence will surely be shattered. Where is the FCC in the midst of this moral crisis? Where are the $500,000 fines? How long must we endure words that mean poop?

That said, it’s a pretty good song.