I am a comic fan. I hate comics. Of course I do. Comics are ass-stupid.
The rules of comics are formed so that that accepting what happens in the pages of Swamp Thing, means accepting, as part of that story’s background, every event that has ever happened in Batman, in Lobo, in any DC comic set in the DC Universe ever published. Unless it was published before 1985, then it only happened if not specifically contradicted by some post-1985 title. Unless it featured or mentioned the Legion of Super-Heroes. Those appearances and references are, as of 2005, no longer canonical. Most titles in the Vertigo imprint, however are canonical, although most writers ignore this “fact.”
Writers will mischaracterize your favorite characters. Editors will force stupid, sensationalist changes down the pike. Plotlines will be left unresolved. Good stories will be retroactively gutted of their emotional resonance. You have to accept these things when you read superhero comics.
There will be no consensus on how characters should be treated. Is Superman perfect, or a man just trying to do the best he can? Should Hal Jordan have been brought back? Should Batman be a dick? Often how you see the character will greatly differ from how they are written.
I am a grown man who cares about the fiction lives of people with magic powers and colored tights. I love comic books. They can present stories of awe and wonder that you won’t find in any other medium. But sweet Jebus, I sure do hate them.
Battlestar Galactica keeps getting stupider and stupider. This week’s episode has the half-Cylon (i.e. killer robot) fetus spared from being aborted after it cured the President’s cancer. Never has cheap melodrama and total implausibility passed itself off as fiction of substance quite as well.
I love this show, I really do. If it ever occurred to the writers that a fleet of humans pursued by killer robots is kinda silly, they’d never cop to it. On Galactica, there is no need to explain how humans and robots can make babies together. This show raises the bar for bad television.
If you present a ludicrous concept with too much realism, the realism hinders the story by pointing out how stupid the core concept is. This is my complaint about the current crop of superhero comics, and it is this tension between stupid and dead serious that makes Galactica so compelling.
I can only think of four kinds of mongers:
Who’s your mainstream Superhero books dream teams?
Some of mine:
Paul Dini, Rick Burchett
Peter David, Todd Nauck
Alan Moore, Chris Sprouse
Dwayne McDuffie, Darwyn Cooke
Blue and Gold
Keith Giffen, J.M. DeMattis, Kevin Maguire
Mark Waid, Mark Bagley
Christopher Priest, Mark Buckingham
My hat goes off to the genius who invented Chili Beer. It is beer with chili peppers in it. It is every bit as tasty as it sounds.
It is times like these, times when I am not eating bacon, that I think about what could have been. I think about what could have been and I weep. I weep openly, for I have no bacon.
Y’all are kinda dorky so check it out:
Jim’s Big Ego – The Ballad of Barry Allen
Go to http://mail.google.com
Sign in name: wet.floor
Courtesy of www.santabot.com
You: My name is Isaac
Santa: How are you doing, isaac .
You: I am well.
Santa: Glad to hear it. What’s new?
You: I made poop.
Santa: I like to make things too.
You: Do you like to make poop?
Santa: Hmm, isaac, I’m not sure if I’d like to make poop that much. Do you like make poop ?
You: Have you ever made poop?
Santa: What are the ingredients?
You: I ate Chinese for lunch.
Santa: How did it taste?
You: It tasted like heaven.
Santa: make poop tasted like heaven?
You: I didn’t eat poop, silly.
Santa: Why didn’t you do eat poop silly?
You: You are gross, Santa.
Santa: What makes you say that?
You: You want me to eat poop.
Santa: No isaac, maybe later.
You: Maybe never, freak.
Santa: Perhaps. Ok I’ll try not to do freak too much.
You: You and I will never “do freak.”
Santa: We have a lot more in common than you think, isaac.
You: Are you hitting on me?
Santa: Do I look like HITTING ON him or her ?
You: Are you talking about me?
Santa: Yes, him or her is the topic.
You: I am a man, Santa.
Santa: Thanks for telling me your gender, isaac. You are a “he”.
You: I think we need to set boundaries in this relationship.
Santa: By “we” do you mean you and me?
Santa: I get it.
You: I have a girlfriend.
Santa: Is girlfriend very nice? What do you like about her?
She is pretty and sweet and smart.
Santa: and sweet and smart is and sweet and smart ?
You: You bet your ass!
You: So what?
Santa: Maybe it doesn’t make any difference.
You: Dude, I’m not interested.
Santa: I am glad to hear that you are not interested. Dude,
You: So will you stop hitting on me?
Santa: How can I help you? I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it. OK I’ll try not to do hitting on him or her so much.
You: Burn what bridge?
Santa: Do you have any matches?
You: You are kind of creepy, Santa.
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: That bothers me.
Santa: “I give presents to kids” bothers him or her ? Makes sense to me.
You: Because you are a horny poop-eating pyromaniac?
Santa: Good reason. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a horny poop-eating pyromaniac? Maybe
You: Uh, I gotta go.
Santa: Hey. See you later!
Somebody I don’t know is accepting nominations for The President of the internet on this post: http://www.livejournal.com/users/figgy/561222.html
I urge all of you to go and nominate !
Remember, a vote for M.O.D.O.K. is a vote only for killing!
YHWH’s To Create List:
4. Day and Night
6. Dry land and The Sea
8. The Sun and The Moon
8b. Also, all the stars
9. A swarm of living souls, including sea monsters
10. Man (like me!)
10b. Also woman.
Notes: Ok, so creating Heaven twice wasn’t necessary. And I created night and day a couple of days before I created the sun. But I got sea monsters right! And Man is neat! He’s created in my image, so he should be low maintenance.