Sorry

Sometimes when I’m peeing a stray pubic hair will partially cover my peehole, causing my pee to fork into two seperate streams.

Ladies, I’m sorry for all the things you miss out on.

Greatest Rock Album

A short while back, I made the ridiculous claim that The Protomen, a independently released retelling of the story of Mega Man in rock opera form, was the greatest rock album of all time. ethan-greer balked at such a claim, and has written a rebuttal, suggesting The Who’s Tommy was, in fact, the greatest rock album of all time. His argument is rock solid. Obviously, I still disagree with him.

The thing is, rock ‘n roll is a big tent. Chuck Berry, The Beatles, ACDC, Tom Petty, Nirvana, Sublime. These bands sound nothing alike, but they are all truly great rock bands. Like Daffy Duck, you can remove any part of what makes rock ‘n roll rock ‘n roll, and still have rock music.

Clearly, my argument or Ethan’s argument or anyone’s argument for greatest rock album of all time is not going to define what makes great rock. It is just an exercise in opinion. It is an interesting one, because it really about what we think makes rock “Rock.”

Ethan has concluded that pretension is the quintessential rock trait. No doubt, self-importance is a major part of what makes rock great, but I wouldn’t consider it to be the defining trait. For me, the most important aspect of rock is intensity. Play it loud, play it fast, and play it grandiose. Great rock music should grab you by the balls and not let go.

By my barometer, Black Sabbath is a greater rock band than The Rolling Stones. The Ramones, greater than The Beatles. It is approach some might question, but I feel comfortable putting more weight into “rock” than I do in “great” for these purposes. We are not evaluating the greatest album that is a rock album, we are evaluating the album that best exemplifies what we feel makes rock great.

Tommy is a great album. I give it ten points for style, ten points for quality of music, and nine points for consistency. However, it doesn’t rock all that hard. The Who, in Tommy are stretching out, playing around, and experimenting, which gives us some great music, but not the full-on rock expirience. They achieve that a little later with Quadrophenia, which lacks Tommy’s epic pomposity but boils over with a fantastic tone of steady-building anger and frustration. Even still, it is no The Protomen.

So do I really think The Protomen is the greatest rock album of all time? Yes. Yes, I do.

Using Ethan’s rock yardstick of unabashed pretension, The Protomen is a contender like few others. Mega Man is a 20-year-old video game featuring a cute robot boy with a robot dog shooting cute robots. The Protomen have taken these lighthearted characters and used them to fashion a grim and epic saga that needs you to care about these characters as people. The album at no point acknowledges any absurdity in what it is doing, and at no point seems silly.

But does it really rock harder than all other albums? Probably, yes. It gets points for being a rock opera/ concept album. It gets points for taking place in a dystopia run by evil robots. It gets points for being relentlessly grim. It gets points for having great music. It gets points for using that music to further a deeply engaging story.

It gets a lot of points for being short. The album is about 30 minutes long, a mere seven songs and a coda. They pack all that they need to into that 30 minutes, including a funeral march with trumpets and a chorus of the damned. There is no filler, no fat, just an intense rock melodrama.

It is the album’s sense of conflict that put it over the top. The Protomen is telling a story, and the story is stuffed with dramatic conflicts. It has physical conflict, and internal conflict as well as conflicts of ideals. Family members pitted against each other out of genuine ideological differences with the state of the human race at stake. Supported by great music. With robots. It all builds to a final fight/song that creates a musical experience unequalled in my listening. A goddamn masterpiece.

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

Greatest Rock Album

A short while back, I made the ridiculous claim that The Protomen, a independently released retelling of the story of Mega Man in rock opera form, was the greatest rock album of all time. ethan-greer balked at such a claim, and has written a rebuttal, suggesting The Who’s Tommy was, in fact, the greatest rock album of all time. His argument is rock solid. Obviously, I still disagree with him.

The thing is, rock ‘n roll is a big tent. Chuck Berry, The Beatles, ACDC, Tom Petty, Nirvana, Sublime. These bands sound nothing alike, but they are all truly great rock bands. Like Daffy Duck, you can remove any part of what makes rock ‘n roll rock ‘n roll, and still have rock music.

Clearly, my argument or Ethan’s argument or anyone’s argument for greatest rock album of all time is not going to define what makes great rock. It is just an exercise in opinion. It is an interesting one, because it really about what we think makes rock “Rock.”

Ethan has concluded that pretension is the quintessential rock trait. No doubt, self-importance is a major part of what makes rock great, but I wouldn’t consider it to be the defining trait. For me, the most important aspect of rock is intensity. Play it loud, play it fast, and play it grandiose. Great rock music should grab you by the balls and not let go.

By my barometer, Black Sabbath is a greater rock band than The Rolling Stones. The Ramones, greater than The Beatles. It is approach some might question, but I feel comfortable putting more weight into “rock” than I do in “great” for these purposes. We are not evaluating the greatest album that is a rock album, we are evaluating the album that best exemplifies what we feel makes rock great.

Tommy is a great album. I give it ten points for style, ten points for quality of music, and nine points for consistency. However, it doesn’t rock all that hard. The Who, in Tommy are stretching out, playing around, and experimenting, which gives us some great music, but not the full-on rock expirience. They achieve that a little later with Quadrophenia, which lacks Tommy’s epic pomposity but boils over with a fantastic tone of steady-building anger and frustration. Even still, it is no The Protomen.

So do I really think The Protomen is the greatest rock album of all time? Yes. Yes, I do.

Using Ethan’s rock yardstick of unabashed pretension, The Protomen is a contender like few others. Mega Man is a 20-year-old video game featuring a cute robot boy with a robot dog shooting cute robots. The Protomen have taken these lighthearted characters and used them to fashion a grim and epic saga that needs you to care about these characters as people. The album at no point acknowledges any absurdity in what it is doing, and at no point seems silly.

But does it really rock harder than all other albums? Probably, yes. It gets points for being a rock opera/ concept album. It gets points for taking place in a dystopia run by evil robots. It gets points for being relentlessly grim. It gets points for having great music. It gets points for using that music to further a deeply engaging story.

It gets a lot of points for being short. The album is about 30 minutes long, a mere seven songs and a coda. They pack all that they need to into that 30 minutes, including a funeral march with trumpets and a chorus of the damned. There is no filler, no fat, just an intense rock melodrama.

It is the album’s sense of conflict that put it over the top. The Protomen is telling a story, and the story is stuffed with dramatic conflicts. It has physical conflict, and internal conflict as well as conflicts of ideals. Family members pitted against each other out of genuine ideological differences with the state of the human race at stake. Supported by great music. With robots. It all builds to a final fight/song that creates a musical experience unequalled in my listening. A goddamn masterpiece.

Laugh Nite at Kenmore Comics

My friend Stephanie thinks I should tell geek-related stand up comedy. Since there is a huge market for that sort of thing, I worked up a routine.

These are my major jokes:

Having sidekicks is grossly irresponsible!

Giant Sized Man-Thing sounds like it is a penis rather than a comic book title.

It is rather improbable that no one would notice that Clark Kent looks much like Superman.

Wolverine has stupid hair.

Maybe Batman is gay.

You know who is lame? Don Blake!

What did Hank Pym tell the wasp? Nothing he already told her twice! (She has 2 black eyes.)

If I was a supervillian, I would take off the hero’s mask when I knocked him unconscious.

The Punisher isn’t really a superhero when you think about it.

Rob Liefeld.