I got a zit on my nipple.
What unique skills would you bring to the company?
Well, I’m pretty good at freestyle cussing.
I’m sorry, what?
I can make up good swears on the spot. Where you might say “Son of a
bitch!” I’d say “Son of a puckered whore!”, for instance. And that is
just off the top of my head.
I see. And you think this would be a valuable asset, were you to be
hired here at Amalgamated Fish Parts?
Well, not a direct asset, no. But I’d say that someone who, when the
pressure is on shouts “Sweet Nads of Satan” or mutters “fuck my hairy
ears”, well that is a person who shows creativity and quick thinking
Hmm. Well, I think that is all we need from you right now. You
should hear back from us by Friday if you’ve gotten the position.
Oh, that’s the whole interview? I blew it. Titsdammit!
More video game lists. This time, Playstation 2 and XBox
When I first started surfing the World Wide Web, things were exciting
and full of potential. There was an understanding that web was a Big,
Useful Thing, but nobody but the pornographers seemed to know what to
do with it. Mostly it was a bunch of personal websites, and most
personal websites could be characterized as collections of pictures of
peoples’ cats. But even in those early days it was clear that bigger
things were coming.
Now, a scant dozen years later, we’ve gotten pretty slick at this
internet thing. Just look how things have changed: The cat pictures
have captions! Cute captions! Not only that, but we’ve developed a
specialized dialect for cute cat picture captions, optimized for
maximum cuteness and post-irony.
It makes you wonder how far cute pictures of cats will be developed in
the years to come.
I’m cataloging my video games to better keep track of what I need to get. First up is my Super Nintendo Games.
1. Manhole covers are easy to lift and throw.
2. Banks get robbed, like, ever other day.
3. Most crimes are beyond the reasoning capability of the police, and require the assistance of teenagers and/or costumed vigilantes.
4. Armored cars are very vulnerable to attack.
5. The murderer is always either the nicest suspect or the one with the strongest alibi.
6. Laser guns are very common and more powerful than the regular kind.
7. When people fight, they trade blows until one of them falls unconscious. This rarely ever results in broken bones or broken skin.
I go to the vending machine on the fourth floor for some chips, but when I get there I notice that the last sucker who tried to get Ho-Hos clearly walked away emptyhanded.
Two packs on one rung. I’m all about some free Ho-Hos so I put my chip money in, pull the hoho crank, and shonuff’ there are now 3 packs of Ho-Hos on one rung.
I got PWND by a vending machine.
As THE SUMMER OF NERD gears up, my heart turns to roleplaying. For several years now, all attempts to start a game have died in the planning stage. It has been quite the dry spell, and I think it is past time to bring it to an end. This summer, I intend to be roleplaying very much. My dicebag is tingling in anticipation.
And so I will run the Summer Campaign. Sundays. D&D. Second Ed. It is going to be old school. As always, I will play fast and loose with the rules. The game will be light on characterization and on plot. It will also be light on crunchy stat-rigging and min/maxitude. The intent is for it to be heavy on rocking some serious ass!
Next up, my cousin/roommate/friend, Troy is (theoretically) going to run a D&D 3.5 game for my cards group. This is going to be straight hack and slash, something I’ve never given a fair shot. I’m pretty hardcore story/character oriented (narrativist, some would say) but I’m ready to live like the other side does. I’m cautiously excited, bearing in mind that this is the fourth campaign this group has discussed playing since two years ago, when we set a night aside to play Truth & Justice only to have it turn into Magic Card Night. So it is an iffy thing. But I want to kill me some monsters.
And I’ve also got a Semi-Sekrit Mystery Game up my sleeve…
Hi. I’m Isaac. As I’m sure y’all know, I’m a nerd. I’m a big ole nerd. So are most of my friends. It a conflicted thing to be a nerd, at least for some of us. We’re kinda proud of our nerdliness, but we are also kinda embarrassed. Most of us can comfortably talk about art, or politics, or pop culture and we want to make sure other people know that. We’re afraid of appearing to be that dread specimen, Bad Nerds.
You know who I mean, right? The ones who have no interest in the world outside their little nerd worlds. The uncouth ones, the tragically unkempt ones, the ones who just can’t handle normal human interaction. They’re Bad Nerds. They’re real and they’re all too common, and they are such a powerful archetype that they’ve become the stereotype. The stereotype that all social nerds have to deal with, through downplaying our nerdiness or through self-deprication or whatever.
Fear of The Bad Nerd doesn’t make me less of a nerd, but it makes me less comfortable being a nerd, and it makes me avoid the nerd culture. It isn’t that I’m embarrassed of liking Star Trek, but I’m afraid that people will think I’m one of the Star Trek people. I love playing Magic: The Gathering but I try to keep that fact on the down low, because most people who play Magic are total twats. They are. Well, to hell with all that perception bull.
Me and my crew are undergoing a nerd renaissance. We’re bringing nerdy back. It is to be THE SUMMER OF NERD. This summer, which starts now, is all about experiencing as many nerdy things as possible. I am going to run a campaign. We’re going to conventions and to renfaires. I’m going to join a freaking Star Trek fan club.
To kick things off, I, along with some other punks I know went to the Kenmore Komics and Games 20th Anniversary party. That’s right, a party held at my local comic store. There was Spider-Man cake and free dice. It wasn’t a good party by any means, but it was fun, we got to give props to John, the proprieter for making it to the 20 year mark, and it sure was nerdy.
Nerds, let’s have the nerdiest summer of all time. Let’s make 2007 a year to remember. Let’s fight against the Bad Nerds.
THE SUMMER OF NERD.