I am a nerd

I know that Alan Scott has a piece of his daughter in his spare socket, but
I was wondering if he needed depth perception, could his ring create a
second eye for him? And if so, would he only see wood with his natural
eye?

86. Top Gun: The Second Mission

Top Gun: The Second Mission
1990
Nintendo Entertainment System

Top Gun: The Second Mission is the sequel to Top Gun, a video game based on a movie with no sequel. This game is called “The Second Mission”, despite the fact that the first game was divided into four missions. Presumably, then, this isn’t a true sequel, but rather an expansion of the second stage of the first game, which in turn, features events not featured in the movie upon which it is based. The chronology is very confusing.

The timeline gets double muddled since it is very easy to grab this game by mistake when you mean to grab Top Gun, and the gameplay is pretty similar, so sometimes I get confused about which Top Gun game I’m playing, and I always get bored and quit soon after I start and so I just fill in the games with scenes from the movie.To complicate matters in my brain further, I’ve seen Hot Shots more times than I’ve seen the source material, so sometimes I think something is from Top Gun: The Second Mission, but it is actually from Hot Shots: Part Deux.

top gun 2 screen

Is Saddam Hussein in this game? I know I just played it yesterday, but it is all just a blur of Kenny Loggins at this point.

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

Right now

Right now, I’d like nothing more than to sit under a tree with my ipod and a
stack of comics. I’m thinking Casanova by Fraction, Ba, and a shitload of
Beatles. Here Comes the Sun, Norwegian Wood, Day in the Life.

How about you? If you could free up a couple hours and do anything you want
with them, what would you do?

85. Top Gun

Top Gun
1987
Nintendo Entertainment System

Top Gun is a aerial combat game for the NES, that, once upon a time was so cool that it  took my breath away, but in the years since, I’ve lost that loving feeling. I’m not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up your ass, this game has not aged well.The game is divided into four missions, each of which has you flying your way through target rich environments. This is tough game, and these stages are real danger zones. To play them, you’ll need to be elite. The best of the best. If you aren’t careful before you know it, you’ll be shot down, reduced to a great ball of fire.

playing with the boys

Playing as hotshot pilot Maverick Mitchell, there will be all sorts of maneuvers you’ll want to pull off, but this game won’t let you break the rules of engagement. As you slowly whip around your opponents, you’ll feel a need. A need to move faster. Sadly, your ego will be writing checks that this game can’t cash.

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

84. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

1989
Nintendo Entertainment System
 

Or for our UK readers, Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles


When it comes to kiddie merchandising,  it don’t get awesomer than the Ninja Turtles. There have been other insanely popular crap children’s products, but none as in your face gleefully moronic as the TMNT.  They were half-man/half-turtle superheroes, named after renaissance artists, who use lethal weapons in non-lethal combat, and who eat pizza at every opportunity that presents itself.  The world at large were unaware of their existence, despite the fact that they were big green turtle monsters who got into daily fights with the forces of Dimension X, and they frequently flew a big blimp labeled “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.  This is good stuff.

Jesus Murder 2: Judas Strikes BackAt any rate, no matter how crap the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game was, it was still going to sell millions of copies.  The game could be a Jesus-killing simulator, and as long as it had the Turtles, parents would be forced to buy it.  From that perspective, this game is pretty good.  There are light exploration elements and a mix of gameplay types, which shows that the designers were really trying.   

And I really dig that rather that a handful of “lives”, you switch between the four Turtles.  Each Turtle counts as one “life”, and each Turtle plays differently.  Not only that, but some are better than others!  Raph is damn near unplayable, which is awesome.   

This game would totally be a so-so ok platformer were it not for one thing.  Anyone who has played the game know exactly what I’m going to say next:   That fucking water level.   

This game has a water level.  It is the second level of the game.  It is not well designed.  I do not wish to ever play it again. 

Stupid water level. 

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

84. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

1989
Nintendo Entertainment System
 

Or for our UK readers, Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles


When it comes to kiddie merchandising,  it don’t get awesomer than the Ninja Turtles. There have been other insanely popular crap children’s products, but none as in your face gleefully moronic as the TMNT.  They were half-man/half-turtle superheroes, named after renaissance artists, who use lethal weapons in non-lethal combat, and who eat pizza at every opportunity that presents itself.  The world at large were unaware of their existence, despite the fact that they were big green turtle monsters who got into daily fights with the forces of Dimension X, and they frequently flew a big blimp labeled “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.  This is good stuff.

Jesus Murder 2: Judas Strikes BackAt any rate, no matter how crap the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game was, it was still going to sell millions of copies.  The game could be a Jesus-killing simulator, and as long as it had the Turtles, parents would be forced to buy it.  From that perspective, this game is pretty good.  There are light exploration elements and a mix of gameplay types, which shows that the designers were really trying.   

And I really dig that rather that a handful of “lives”, you switch between the four Turtles.  Each Turtle counts as one “life”, and each Turtle plays differently.  Not only that, but some are better than others!  Raph is damn near unplayable, which is awesome.   

This game would totally be a so-so ok platformer were it not for one thing.  Anyone who has played the game know exactly what I’m going to say next:   That fucking water level.   

This game has a water level.  It is the second level of the game.  It is not well designed.  I do not wish to ever play it again. 

Stupid water level. 

83. Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros.
1985
Nintendo Entertainment System

What can I say about this game?  What can I possibly say?  This is the greatest video game of all
time.  It isn’t the best.  It’s not my favorite.  But it is the greatest game of them all.  It is, in fact, the default video game. 

In 1985 Super Mario Bros. was a nuclear bomb of gaming. This game was attractive, innovative, and brilliantly designed.  It was a revolution in and of itself  It established the side scrolling platform genre of gaming, it single-handedly reversed the fortunes of an industry that had gone terminal, and it instantly made Nintendo the face of video gaming.

from side to sideI was three years old when this game was released.   I have no memory of a time where I hadn’t played this game a bunch.  It has always been part of the background hum of my life, and I didn’t evenown an NES as a kid.  I always knew that it was fun, but is only in retrospect that I can appreciate all the genius that makes this game a true masterpiece.

And it is a masterpiece. While the game certainly seems crude compared to later installments, right off the bat this game builds the foundation of everything to follow, and it gets so many things right out of the gate. From beginning to end, the game is brimming with variety and style.  It is simple, fun, and challenging.  It also has an absurdly catchy score.  For these reasons, as long as we have electricity, people will always play Super Mario Bros.

There are just so many little things about this game that always make me smile:  I like the staircases.  I like the rules for how squids move.  I like the fireworks.  I like the cutthroat nature of World 8.  And the Warp Zones.  And the flying fish.  And King Koopa’s fireballs.  And, of course, “our princess is in another
castle.”

I’ve been playing this game off and since I was five, and I’ll continue to play it until I die. 

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

83. Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros.
1985
Nintendo Entertainment System

What can I say about this game?  What can I possibly say?  This is the greatest video game of all
time.  It isn’t the best.  It’s not my favorite.  But it is the greatest game of them all.  It is, in fact, the default video game. 

In 1985 Super Mario Bros. was a nuclear bomb of gaming. This game was attractive, innovative, and brilliantly designed.  It was a revolution in and of itself  It established the side scrolling platform genre of gaming, it single-handedly reversed the fortunes of an industry that had gone terminal, and it instantly made Nintendo the face of video gaming.

from side to sideI was three years old when this game was released.   I have no memory of a time where I hadn’t played this game a bunch.  It has always been part of the background hum of my life, and I didn’t even own an NES as a kid.  I always knew that it was fun, but is only in retrospect that I can appreciate all the genius that makes this game a true masterpiece.

And it is a masterpiece. While the game certainly seems crude compared to later installments, right off the bat this game builds the foundation of everything to follow, and it gets so many things right out of the gate. From beginning to end, the game is brimming with variety and style.  It is simple, fun, and challenging.  It also has an absurdly catchy score.  For these reasons, as long as we have electricity, people will always play Super Mario Bros.

There are just so many little things about this game that always make me smile:  I like the staircases.  I like the rules for how squids move.  I like the fireworks.  I like the cutthroat nature of World 8.  And the Warp Zones.  And the flying fish.  And King Koopa’s fireballs.  And, of course, “our princess is in another
castle.”

I’ve been playing this game off and since I was five, and I’ll continue to play it until I die. 

I think about this crap way too much

My guess on how various characters from the family sitcom Boy Meets World
vote.

Topenga: Democrat
Shawn: Doesn’t believe voting makes a difference
Cory: However Topenga tells him to
Angela: Democrat
Eric (Seasons 4-6): Doesn’t pay any attention to politics
Eric (Season 7): Write in candidate: “Mommy”
Jack: Republican
Rachel: Who knows. She was never given character traits.
Mr. Feeny: Democrat
Alan and Amy: Swing voters
Chet Hunter: Meant to register so he could vote for Perot
Mr. Turner: Dead

82. Super C

Super C
1990
Nintendo Entertainment System

The "C" stands for mothafuggin Contra!  Oh yes.  To be Contra, is to be the hardest of all video games. By “hardest”, I don’t mean “most difficult,” although damn, they’s tough. No, I mean HARDCORE.  Contra could engrave a diamond with its flaccid penis, but wouldn’t because diamonds are for girls.  That is how hard Contra is.

I love helicopters more than you could believe

Back in the day, Zac (my platonic soul mate) and I would discuss movies we’d love to see.  Of all the movies we thought would rock, Contra was the property we most wanted to see adapted to the big screen. Our vision for Contra: The Movie was an action film that would entirely forego plot.  Like Kill Bill Volume One, only moreso.  And with shooting.  

 Dialogue would consist mainly of screaming. The heroes would scream in defiance and triumph, while the endless bullet fodder would scream in dying pain.  Occasionally, the heroes would speak, and on these rare occasions they would unleash terrible one-liners. The two leads, Red Guy and Blue Guy, would be played by Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Someone onscreen would be dying every single second of film.

The film’s dramatic climax would be when Red Guy and Blue Guy shoot something until it explodes. Like, a lot.  Also this movie would have helicopters.  Wouldn’t this be the greatest film in the history of cinema? 

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

82. Super C

Super C
1990
Nintendo Entertainment System

The "C" stands for mothafuggin Contra!  Oh yes.  To be Contra, is to be the hardest of all video games. By “hardest”, I don’t mean “most difficult,” although damn, they’s tough. No, I mean HARDCORE.  Contra could engrave a diamond with its flaccid penis, but wouldn’t because diamonds are for girls.  That is how hard Contra is.

I love helicopters more than you could believe

Back in the day, Zac (my platonic soul mate) and I would discuss movies we’d love to see.  Of all the movies we thought would rock, Contra was the property we most wanted to see adapted to the big screen. Our vision for Contra: The Movie was an action film that would entirely forego plot.  Like Kill Bill Volume One, only moreso.  And with shooting.  

 Dialogue would consist mainly of screaming. The heroes would scream in defiance and triumph, while the endless bullet fodder would scream in dying pain.  Occasionally, the heroes would speak, and on these rare occasions they would unleash terrible one-liners. The two leads, Red Guy and Blue Guy, would be played by Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Someone onscreen would be dying every single second of film.

The film’s dramatic climax would be when Red Guy and Blue Guy shoot something until it explodes. Like, a lot.  Also this movie would have helicopters.  Wouldn’t this be the greatest film in the history of cinema? 

81. River City Ransom

River City Ransom
1989
Nintendo Entertainment System

240

River City Ransom, the second game in the River City Trilogy, follows the balls-to-face action of Super Dodge Ball with the second greatest RPG in the universe.

 

“But Isaac,” you’re going to say, “I thought you hated RPGs?”   Traditionally, I do, because traditionally, traditional RPGs suck. However River City Ransom is an atraditional RPG.  Let’s look at the following chart:  

  Traditional Eastern RPG River City Ransom
Setting Genero-boring fantasy
A High School.
Generic Dudes Slimes or Imps or some lame Genero-Boring fantasy thingl Actually named “Generic Dudes”.
Typical Death Bed Dialogue  “Before I die, I should tell you… You are really the prince.  Blah Blah Blah destiny.” “BARF!”
Combat Select the “fight” option from the menu.  Select the imp.  Repeat. ENDLESSLY.  Actually beat the crap out of your enemies. 
The Stakes Probably the fate of the kingdom/entire world; yawn. The fate of an entire high school.
When not starring in this game, the hero is probably… Chocobo racing.  (Ok, this one’s pretty cool.) Playing Dodge Ball.  Oh, yeah. 
Typical item A piece of Materia.  (If you are wondering what Materia is the answer is you wouldn’t give a fuck if I explained it to you. ) Pancakes.
Main Character Appearance Little dudes with comically large heads. Er, also little dudes with comically large heads.  But these guys are cooler looking. 

 

224

So you see, River City Ransom is awesome.  It is so awesome that it defies alphabetization. 
 

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

81. River City Ransom

River City Ransom
1989
Nintendo Entertainment System

240

River City Ransom, the second game in the River City Trilogy, follows the balls-to-face action of Super Dodge Ball with the second greatest RPG in the universe.

 

“But Isaac,” you’re going to say, “I thought you hated RPGs?”   Traditionally, I do, because traditionally, traditional RPGs suck. However River City Ransom is an atraditional RPG.  Let’s look at the following chart:  

  Traditional Eastern RPG River City Ransom
Setting Genero-boring fantasy
A High School.
Generic Dudes Slimes or Imps or some lame Genero-Boring fantasy thingl Actually named “Generic Dudes”.
Typical Death Bed Dialogue  “Before I die, I should tell you… You are really the prince.  Blah Blah Blah destiny.” “BARF!”
Combat Select the “fight” option from the menu.  Select the imp.  Repeat. ENDLESSLY.  Actually beat the crap out of your enemies. 
The Stakes Probably the fate of the kingdom/entire world; yawn. The fate of an entire high school.
When not starring in this game, the hero is probably… Chocobo racing.  (Ok, this one’s pretty cool.) Playing Dodge Ball.  Oh, yeah. 
Typical item A piece of Materia.  (If you are wondering what Materia is the answer is you wouldn’t give a fuck if I explained it to you. ) Pancakes.
Main Character Appearance Little dudes with comically large heads. Er, also little dudes with comically large heads.  But these guys are cooler looking. 

 

224

So you see, River City Ransom is awesome.  It is so awesome that it defies alphabetization. 
 

80. Super Dodge Ball

Super Dodge Ball
1989
Nintendo Entertainment System

240

Super Dodge Ball
is the first part of the legendary River City Ransom trilogy.  You play dodgeball.  It is awesome as hell. 

If you want a sports game with complexity, this is not it.  You’d be better off playing NFL Blitz.  This is a simple game with simple rules:  Throw the ball at the other dudes.  FUN!

In single player mode, you will travel from country to country, facing wave after wave of cultural stereotype, all of whom have 5-characters-or-less names.  Suck on that, Pavel!  Eat a shit, Hans!  For victory throw balls at their face so hard that they go to heaven. 

224

The game ends when you hit the Soviet team with balls so hard that you rip a hole in space and time.  This has the dual effect of causing the fall of Communism, and sucking you into the Bizarro Dimension where you must fight your evil pallete-swapped twins.  Best fucking end to a sports game ever. 

Dodgeball is a sport where you throw things at people’s heads until they die.  It is a sport for bastards.  If your friends are bastards, you should invite them over for a nice game of Super Dodge Ball

Originally published at The Triangle. You can comment here or there.

80. Super Dodge Ball

Super Dodge Ball
1989
Nintendo Entertainment System

240

Super Dodge Ball
is the first part of the legendary River City Ransom trilogy.  You play dodgeball.  It is awesome as hell. 

If you want a sports game with complexity, this is not it.  You’d be better off playing NFL Blitz.  This is a simple game with simple rules:  Throw the ball at the other dudes.  FUN!

In single player mode, you will travel from country to country, facing wave after wave of cultural stereotype, all of whom have 5-characters-or-less names.  Suck on that, Pavel!  Eat a shit, Hans!  For victory throw balls at their face so hard that they go to heaven. 

224

The game ends when you hit the Soviet team with balls so hard that you rip a hole in space and time.  This has the dual effect of causing the fall of Communism, and sucking you into the Bizarro Dimension where you must fight your evil pallete-swapped twins.  Best fucking end to a sports game ever. 

Dodgeball is a sport where you throw things at people’s heads until they die.  It is a sport for bastards.  If your friends are bastards, you should invite them over for a nice game of Super Dodge Ball